as a manager, should I not wear a childless shirt in my off-hours? <3. Forbidding is a different story). Not going on this trip will not save your marriage; I suspect this happens in other situations too or will in the future. Vegas isnt the problem here. But Id want OP to figure out a little more what this behavior of his is really about, and make sure its not his way of trying to control her / torpedo her career, before Id recommend she let him supervise her work trip. Yes its a confusing sentence but I believe the OP comments elsewhere that she wrote what she meant, the people her husband polled WOULD allow their significant others to go. And wondered aloud how he would have been if wed been together in the days I was traveling to Kosovo, Bosnia and Iraq as a newspaper reporter. It isnt like the reputation just happened by accident. It is NOT his choice whether you go! However, as hes not likely to acknowledge his issues without some therapy, couples counseling is probably a sensible place to ask him to start. But it wont be easy. I agree hes not acting reasonably; but answers like therapy are a long-term solutions to an immediate problem. Any time I read My spouse wont let me . I want to yank that person out of that relationship. Go on the trip, do not jeopardize that job, youll need it when you come to your senses and get rid of this guy. I will never ever return or step foot in an obnoxious casino. Grownups dont treat other grownups like this unless they are fundamentally abusive. My spouse also has some anxiety issues, and will develop obsessive worries about certain irrational things. But youre his spouse and in a perfect position to help him understand whats going on and try to help fix it! And he needs to understand that his fears are his to manage, no matter where they are coming from. And I do like some gambling. Theres no life insurance policy in the world that would substitute for my husbands continued presence in my life and on this planet. I hope you find a guy who does that for you. And my husband was completely fine with it. I understand having those anxious thoughts, absolutely, especially if youve been cheated on in the past but if youre at the point of accusing your partner that theyll take some hypothetical opportunity to cheat and are foricng them to defend themselves from a purely hypothetical accusation, there are serious issues. Plan some quiet time or independent activities if you're getting frustrated. Your house is on fire, it doesnt matter if you wash the car or not. Inviting him to go might be a stop-gap measure to cover this trip. Its a him issue. Next, things you can do. For heavent sake dont say it to him; dont want to give him any ideas. On the other hand, the OP could surely use some help in setting some reasonable boundaries and communicating as effectively as possible in the circumstances. I want to push back, snark, in case anyone else reading sees your comment and decides that couples isnt a good course of action because the issue is with one person in the couple. I never felt less inspired to sin in my life. I was going to say this, the touristy areas and especially the casinos are crawling with security and cameras. Theyre both really worst-case-scenarios and things that happen *to* the OP. If the wife approaches it as a joint issue, that demonstrates goodwill rather than blame, and is more likely to get the husband into the therapists office. The educational health content on What To Expect is reviewed by our medical review board and team of experts to be up-to-date and in line with the latest evidence-based medical information and accepted health guidelines, including the medically reviewed What to Expect books by Heidi Murkoff. Bigger point being ITS NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS and not their place to weigh in. and my husbands main reaction has been I hope you have a great time, and Im glad you are not trying to get me to go too. OPs husbands friends would have a conniption if they heard about my situation! I know anxiety is a thing, but business travel can really suck- its exhausting, youre away from the comforts of home, etc., so to have your spouse making that worse is just so awful it would be a deal breaker on the relationship for me. Note however, I dont think this excuses the employees OR means that its wrong to have a corporate event in Vegas. My almost 60 year old mother goes to a medical conference in Las Vegas every year. Its possible that thats part of it given the cheating aspect, but the worried the worst would happen is a very, very common anxiety symptom called catastrophizing. He is unable to let go of these thoughts on his own, they are interfering with his and his spouses quality of life, so he needs some help. I think you know that all of his fears could happen to you (or be things youd do) wherever you live or any place you travel to. If your husband wont go to counseling, go alone. Both are filled with similar anecdotes and stories. There are counties where selling alcohol is illegal. It could be, but its tougher to stay up all night gambling and partying in the middle of the week in NY or SF. Having just returned from an exhausting but informative 3-day event in Las Vegas let me assure you when youre at the conference center/hotels there is security up the wahzoo and those folks are awesome. Youve gone before and nothing happened, so why is he still freaking out about it? Illegal prostitution happens in Vegas, to be sureas it happens pretty much everywhere in the country. In no way am I saying if he does have anxiety its totally okay for him to be a controlling ass not at all. Not everything is family friendly (I.E. It was a blast! Dont answer the phone? If the problem isnt the one everyone jumps on, that means the LW get a lot of useless advice on a problem they dont have. Sometimes your partner will say they support you in fleeing the nest, and they may want to support you with all their might, but are battling with feelings of their own. I think that couples counseling is the best place to start, no matter what the underlying problem is, because its a relationship problem that hes laying on her. And you can get into crazy stuff in any city, really; Vegas has developed a reputation for it to bring in tourism money, but there are parties and bars and even gambling in lots of other large cities in the U.S. You really really need to have those shirts washed in that way? This is just.rage-inducingly bonkers. I hope you go to Vegas and find love with someone who doesnt treat you like property. Echoing this. apply jobappnetwork com elior; farmington, ct homes for sale by owner His response is not reasonable except in AAMs answer. Remember the man who wanted his female co-worker to dress like a Little House on the Prairie extra? not roll my eyes and whisper not this again when she does go off on a tangent.. Maybe its the way he framed it to his friends, or maybe he wasnt being completely honest about that. Yeah, I saw that. She is bottle fed and was at that time, too, so if your LO is EBF, I'd say add more time. Yet he says he would not even go without me. You dont get an opinion on whether youre dumped!! I know Im a good driver, and that I can handle this, but every time you have these little worry fits you make me doubt myself. Or hes over-reporting the level of agreement he got? I question who he was talking to that would say they wouldnt let their spouses go. making sure your spouse is okay with big decisions that affect both of you isnt that unreasonable. Can you cut it out, or find someone else to talk to about your worry?. Sounds like this husband needs to identify exactly what he is afraid ofI highly doubt that both his wife cheating and her getting kidnapped are equal fears because they stem from different insecurities, but hey, maybe hes insecure about everything. Id go with the anxiety answer first. Japan is absurdly safe, even if that is no comfort to people when something bad does happen. Granted, the event I was at was for a Fortune 100 company but in addition to the hotel security, they had private security and company reps everywhere. Im going to disagree with your last sentence. Hmm Shes probably going to cheat on me in Vegas because thats what people do in VegasWait I cant say that, of course shes going to deny ithmm, what else can I say to convince her to stay Kidnapping! After the day ended and we would go out to dinner, he would tell her that he was sure our company wouldnt approve of us going out to dinner on their dime. (Wed been given stipends and told to enjoy a cocktail after the eight-hour training). Yeah, it might not be the safest if youre wandering around at night by yourself (just like anywhere, really), but aside from being irritated by the smoke in the casino areas, I had no issues whatsoever. Dont engage with his arguments. Its just such a common conference/trade show city! But regardless, he needs to respect the demands of her job and treat her like an adult. And its great he enjoys the time alone, we get to talk about interesting stuff weve both done when I get back, we both get time to decompress in ways which benefit us the most. These dudes tend to not understand how little theyre contributing in any significant fashion, and theyre shockedshocked!when the women theyre with realize whats going on and leave them. In THAT case, that is a super not-normal response, and its very strange that theres a whole group of people who support this thinking. Yeah, my parents clearly decided that it was a great place to take the kids nearly 20 years ago, and it was. But I do agree that its extremely possible the OPs husband is, consciously or unconsciously, skewing the results in his favor. What the hell? I have informed him and he hasnt taken it very well. Or is it just that hes an anxious person in general? I wasnt allowed to take late classes in school bc good girls dont stay out after dark. Bartending is legitimate work too. Shes too fair to be naked out in that desert sun.. AND that a little drinking and dancing and playing roulette (pick your game), or even a LOT of drinking and dancing and playing roulette, which is what many people do is Las Vegas, is not a particularly scandalous thing to many people. Oh, every election season angry people show up at 538 to explain that a poll of their social group shows 100% agreement with OP on everything, and so clearly the official polls are generated by a Vast Conspiracy. For example, phone #: 123-333-4567. Captain Awkward is amazing when answering questions about control, manipulation, and gaslighting. Ive known many a controlling spouse, but most of them know to keep it in check when it comes to the providers job. And opportunities to cheat and people who will spike a strangers drink exist in every city. Fine with me. So anything that could be perceived poorly at their church is not allowed. And insanely good airline availability and inexpensive flights. Yeah, my husband takes business trips to Vegas multiple times a year. Im talking a hotel on Wall Street, just a block or two from the NYSE, and one literally around the corner from the White House. The touristy gloss. If you must have discussion, have them *later*, when everyone is calm. Again, not a concern for either of us. OP, I want to add a data point to counter his everyone agrees with me! comment. You dont get PERMISSION, you agree that something is good, or you dont, but this bs about him letting you go on a work trip is just gross. Much better is Lundy Bancrofts Why does he do that?. Yeah, there were some shady businesses. But where I was from, the vast majority of the people in the regionhundreds of thousands, not just a handfulaccepted these beliefs as reasonable. He says its specific to Vegas, but its possible that hed be anxious no matter where OP went. Eating a meal? Access to prostitutes, drugs, extramarital affairs, and excessive drinking and shenanigans is available pretty much in every town and city. Thats what tips me toward the prospect that your husband is on the controlling end of the spectrum and not the real bad anxiety end of the spectrum. Vegas has a convenient airport, massive conference facilities, and tons of hotels that cater to business travelers. But my wife really worded it in a way to get the Im a crazy jealous husband. You could walk up to the bar to order a drink and tell that person you need some assistance and they are on it in seconds. Case in point: my father is terrified of everyone he loves dying and leaving him alone, to the point where I, as a 32 year old, was expected to text him and let him know when I left work, when I got home from work, if I was going out, if I was changing locations, etc. If something written is thought to mean the opposite of what it says that is not reading, it is MISreading. In neither case do I think you should stay home, and I think youre best able to answer the question of his motivations, and how to deal with them long term. Couples counseling has given us a neutral forum to figure out how to face it together, to help me express how his behavior effects me and our family, and for me to learn how to support him. This is so far outside of normal that if I were in your shoes OP, I would be socking money away so that I could leave him, unless theres something youre not telling us that could possibly justify how he treats you. Id do it again theres a mob museum and some other things Id like to see. Marketing aside, Vegas is just a metropolitan center, and you dont look lose your morals the second you step off the plane. Last year when she went not only did I work my 2 jobs but I tiled our laundry room to stay busy and keep my mind on things. This is bound to make them curious and excited. That didnt make me feel better for the Letter Writer. Me too!.which is probably why Im not married ;). I mean, were talking about adults going on a business trip so wholesome shouldnt even come into it. Instead, things got worse. I actually didnt tell her I got K&R insurance when I worked in the Philippines and had to travel to an area where nearby skirmishes were going on and kidnappings WERE a concern. I did manage to save the relaionship (even though Mothers anxiety never went away; be prepared for that too) I truly hope that you can save your relationship with your spose, OP. Studies show that men who are outearned by their wives and cannot cover the households bills with their own income generally act out more about their successful wives. The idea of where we are in danger is terribly skewed in the US. In Vegas, these things are part of the fabric of the city. I stayed once at Palms Place, the long-term stay part of the Palms that is set up like studio apartments with full kitchens. I spent a lot of the day just wandering around the strip). :D. Its doubly absurd because Tokyo is, I would wager, THE safest big metropolitan city in the world. That was one reason I had to STOP watching so much Law N Order / Criminal Minds / CSI / whatever. One of our Bright Side readers sent us an e-mail pouring her heart out about a tricky situation she's going through. Go. My own partner has no issue with me going out of state for geek conventions a couple times a year, with people Ive known longer than him, sometimes sharing mixed-gender rooms. I am the main provider in our home, and it angers me that it seems he wants to sabotage my job because of his insecurities. OP, you should look at this exclusively as a problem your husband has, not a problem with work or the relationship. Be ready to beg, borrow, steal to brainwash your partner to start traveling with you. I think its also quite possible that hes either misrepresented it to the people hes asked, misrepresented their responses to the OP, and/or hasnt actually asked as many people as hes said he has. I asked three people: Me, myself, and I. assigning women extra work to help them, calling out when youre in the ER, and more. I know that you arent the one with the issue, but just letting you know. Based on the way anxiety distorts reality and actual risk, I could easily not allow my children to participate in things or have small measures of independence. Or I can save you the time and point out that I characterized him as jealous and controlling, and never used the word yall seem determined to stick in my mouth. When I first moved to the city, my mom told me to never, ever go anywhere after dark. I would idd consider flying. Good luck and please update us! The no Go Fish rule was not present in my home, but I was told to respect the kidss parents whod made that rule and abide by it around those kids, because the rule seemed a reasonable difference between my parents and theirs (rather than wholly bizarre). Ive had several week-long business trips in CA the last few years and its a non-event. Hes been working through them and he was much better during my last work trip. No, but I feel like almost every thread, somebody chimes in with an armchair anxiety diagnosis. (FWIW Im married and work FT and during tax season Ive come home at 10-12 PM. But, OP, please take a hard look at your husband and his normal conduct. Im guessing its because Vegas sounds like its all casinos and bars and drunk parties, and if I learned anything in college its that bars and drunk parties are teeming with predators. It may not necessarily be abusive, but it is controlling it doesnt get a pass just because other people would do it. If his fears really are Vegas-specific, spending time there might help. ;). Whats wrong with disembark? Its simple to plan a conference because food, rooms, space are all within one building. At such time as we see abuse brought up as gratuitously as anxiety is, you might just have a point. As Captain Awkward would put it: you have a husband problem, not a job problem. Its OK to not be 100% available to handle his feelings 100% of the time! I get heated at the principle of spouses letting each other do things. CES, the Consumer Electronics Show is held there yearly, and is a massive tech conference, millions of square feet of conference space. For work. There is so much good food in Vegas, I love it there. Like Winter says . There are some really great desert trails out there! Thanks for weighing in, Working Wife; were on your side, and we hope you can resolve this. He could show he loves you by treating you as an equal and making you know that your feelings, thoughts, and opinions matter. Plus, if youre on the strip, you dont ever really have go on the streets. You can pretty much get from one end of the strip to the other cutting through casinos and over skywalks. Yes, this. husband doesn t want to go on family vacationlifetime guest pass policy. Same here. Ah, sorry, didnt say they were the only two choices! So I understand, at some level, where the husband is coming from when he thinks about these horrible things happening to his spouse. OPs partners behavior is affecting her directly. Exactly this. Its possible, though, that he really is controlling. You can easily avoid all the sinful things to do in Vegas, if you want to. You should go to counseling, alone and together if hell go with you, because I cant tell if hes super anxious, or just super controlling. Biking to work? Are you ok with dealing with his overexagerations, accusations, and paranoia whenever you go for a trip by yourself or is it starting to get on your nerves. Feel free to point out where I did that. I dont much care for Vegas. Do not sacrifice your career for this. Yeah, I had a boyfriend in college who Id started dating after being part of the same friend group as him for a long time. Yeah Im trying to tell myself this kind of misconception is the kindest possible explanation. Thoughts? When does his flight land? One reputation of the city, deliberately played up in media, is that it is a raunchy sin city full of gamboling, sex, and wild parties. Ah, but you have a job, and Im guessing are presumably a more equal breadwinner in your household. Well, they need to work on their relationship. Just because some of the people in that culture are ok with it doesnt mean its magically not controlling behavior because its culture/religion. I couldnt be with someone this domineering and controlling. I understand where youre coming from, but this board sees people from all over the world, and there are still lots of places and lots of religious/cultural environments where patriarchal/masculine control/policing of womens behavior/assuming the worst of women is absolutely the norm, and there are enough of them scattered around everywhere that I dont think its a case of not everyone can have sandwiches.. Him: Yeah, she does this every couple of months, and it never lasts. Because setting some reasonable limits is part of that. I have to comment on this one. He was there for a conference, and she was there for a bachelorette party. *offers you an internet hug*. I think youre right, but it really needs to be highlighted up top: a lot of people tend to think that couples counseling is for us issues, and this is 100% a him issue. Who thinks its normal to ask around if he should let his wife go on a business trip, etc. Yeah, I was in Vegas just a couple of weeks ago. Its not particularly reasonable to expect a teenager to make scheduled check-in calls, much less an adult! THIS. Apparently the husband hasnt been to Las Vegas recently, because now its like Disneyland with slot machines. I mean seriously? Marriage counselling is categorically not recommended if there is abuse. At the time, we had 3 kids and they were around 5, 3, and 18 months. Dont get in a bike accident! Send a good morning text, a been busy all day, just breaking for lunch text, and a goodnight call each day. Vegas is an extremely popular destination for conferences and business trips. The part about staying on the same team is so, so key, and I hope the OPs husband approaches this as thoughtfully as you have. And there does seem to be a fair amount of misbehavior discussed, but I have never seen any of it. Honestly, it feels awful. And here we are, reading a letter from a woman concerned that her career will destroy her marriage because everyone told her husband so. travel to Las Vegas by themselves and with groups and for work and for play all the time and it is completely normal. I absolutely dread this. I certainly didnt forget that, in case anybodys wondering. No constant phone calls/other distractions.) That I was RIGHT! I would bet money he didnt tell everyone else the same story he told me. She has a job where you travel, and to him that probably sounds like shes achieving well (and she very well is) when *he is not,* comparatively. This. Im wondering if perhaps your husband doesnt have the life experience of travelling to big cities and realizing that all of them are much different than portrayed in the media? Because someone whos having this kind of anxiety is going to get worse, not better if they do nothing to address the underlying issue. It feels as if the OPs husband is just latching onto the location as an excuse. Because my husband trusts me. When hed worry about what to do if, say, the house burned down while i was gone, I pointed out he could handle it just fine. Im really not interested in goingI dont gamble, I dont care for tourist attractions, etc. Its often fine to bring spouses on work trips, but I definitely think she shouldnt bring him in this situation. Yeah, I sometimes hear about people who really want a job with a lot of work travel, or people who think being a flight attendant would be really glamorous, and Im just like meh. But we should really just be taking OPs word for it that the issue she outlined is the issue there is. In addition to bolstering his position in our argument it had the nice (for him) side effect of alienating me from all of my friends who I believed were talking crap about me behind my back. Today, we can take a million pictures to find the right one, but in the Groovy era you had one chance to get the perfect shot. Maybe you call once a day in the evening to say hi, but otherwise tell him youre not going to be responding to messages, because youre busy with work. I have a friend that refuses to go to Vegas because he believes its the modern Sodom and Gomorrah. Ugh. Yes, but trailer park crimes are good, upstanding crimes like cooking meth and domestic violence, and obviously those crimes are less dangerous to bystanders than being attacked by a sex criminal just for walking down the street. It doesnt mean you dont love him, and it doesnt mean either of you are bad people. Oh, good, dont have to worry about Massive Problem A oh hey, Medium Problem B, lets obsessively think about that for ages!. I had an ex tell me, just after I left him, that hed checked with his friends and they all agreed with him that I was behaving irrationally and crazily about everything I was upset about and had said was wrong with the relationship. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation. So its not like its all new. One of my biggest gripes about Vegas is that most of the hotels wont allow food delivery carriers to deliver to your room. You know, because theyd been there for the last year and had witnessed all of it and hadnt just heard his side of the story through his rose-tinted glasses. Even the others theyre married to. I think that it is much more scary to be hurt by someone you know, so people are more likely to believe in the bogeyman dark alley scenario. At that time, she was eating about every 3-4 hours. They dont have to go out of town to do it. The weather sucks in Vegas. In fact, couples counseling can be a useful path to helping a partner address individual issues that are affecting the partnership. Or the wife, for that matter. I think that there can be a tendency in intimate relationships to prioritize keeping the peace, and emphasizing why thats a bad idea here and confirming that giving into the husbands demands and not going on the trip should be off the table is valuable coming from someone who gives advice about workplace stuff. But its also wildly irrelevant in terms of a OPs business trip. Im not going to be lured into seedy underworld just because its there! The Rio does have huge rooms! ALSO, there is nothing inherently unwholesome about prostitution OR gambling. The only thing I dont like about this suggestion is the implication that OPs husband can supervise her to make sure shes not cheating. The husband is acting like a jerk and the OP needs to figure out whether this is something/someone she can live with and whether he is capable of improving. That is not rational and that is not how business or marriages work. Ive now chosen to travel for my job to offset he loneliness. Conversely I dont think Ive ever paid less than $200/night for a business-class hotel in NYC, Austin, LA, etc. I read letters like this, and I realize how fortunate both my husband and I are, because its got to be miserable to live with this level of mistrust and anxiety. I firmly believe in the dont be a dipshit rule of travel, and it has served me well. And LWs husband doesnt get to veto business trips, either. Turned out my wife was in the backyard mowing but had taken a break before I drove up and my son was upstairs playing quietly on the computer. They have PUDDING, OP. But refusing to participate in the arguments and the anxiety spirals by hanging up and walking out saved my relationship with both my parents in the long-term. Absolutely OP should seek out couples counseling, but if the husbands concerns are a reflection or enhancement of their religion or culture, just be really careful in vetting the counselor/therapist they choose to work with. A good couples counselor who can handle the individual issues after using the couple-relationship to establish a good rapport with an individual who is resistant to treatment in a traditional one-on-one setting is not a bad way to start tackling these issues, and has the added bonus of giving the OP an opportunity to select a therapist she trusts. A city with a lot of hotels and legalized gambling, but it also has residential neighborhoods, malls, schools, etc. I think the phrasing is awkward, but its in there because he brought this up to his spouse to justify his position, so Im pretty sure he means they all agreed that theyd object to such a trip too.

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